Have you ever watched
well, watch yourself
Fight for your joy
Dance for your joy
No matter how deep your loss
Keep opening to JOY
When your heart tank's on empty
eventually you'll need to refuel
to keep on keeping on
to become a willing holy fool
Fear not! Dare to create!
Love love love and watch yourself awake.
Love love love and forget yourself: Awake.
What happens when despite everything you've tried and done and done and tried and prayed and cried and loved and done and tried and cried and prayed again, you wake up one day in your usual I can't take it tear-streaked snot dripping way and really know, I mean k-n-o-w in your head and heart and in every cell and tissue and toenail and every hair on your head—you know the truth is that the ones you love most, held closest, held dearest, those who are carved in your heart, those who you lived for, those who you would have died for—are in pain?
And you cannot heal them.
You can do nothing.
Or what happens to any of us when the story doesn't work out the way you dreamt of, hoped for, expected?
I am a peace-seeker currently at war. I am fighting for joy.
I know I'm not alone. You've come here for a reason.
Words save me. For years I’ve swallowed these words. Muted my heart until silence became a kind of inner violence. Some day I may not have words. But I do now. And for now, words are my swords. I am a warrior woman breaking a sound barrier. I will rant and scream and storm and swarm and splash and slash through darkness.
En Garde! En Garde!
I think this will be messy. Not always grace filled.
How's your family these days?
In our culture we cannot say;
Broken. Shrunk. Changed. So very deeply changed.
How's your heart?
In our culture, can we say:
Shattered. Made of stained glass glued together with crazy glue.
Besides losing illusions about myself as an omnipotent woman, (doh) I‘ve also lost a brother to cancer.
A father to old age.
A few dogs and cats. A first husband (but I found a good second one in the lost and found). I’ve lost gloves. And socks. Lots of socks. Earrings. I have the most wonderful odd earring collection you've ever seen.
And toenails. Lost a few.
Yes, I’ve lost my mind. I'm pretty sure. A few times.
AND though it's been shaky by times, I haven't lost my faith in healing power of prayer and a source of Love. Some call that God.
I haven't lost my hope. The story is ongoing.
SO after this entry—I will not write about loss. I will meditate on joy. Celebrate. Explore.
I will write along with sprites and spirits, pixies and faeries and elves and gods and GOD who lives in the spaces between the tree branches & these words. Yes, a Demon of Despair lurks—especially when the sun goes down.
Hey ho my fight is a spirit dance.
Joy dislikes coy & could care less about clever.
What have you lost? Tell me in a yodel or a whisper.
Or just be still and consider. Breathe with me.
Know you are not alone in your suffering. May joy Light heal and pour over you.
Come, take a moonbath. A sun swim. Feel starbursts in your heart.
It's enough to know you share the joyfight with me.